Being the Spare Wheel

I love my friends. I adore them. They are awesome in so many ways. They are there for me any time I need them. They let me sleep on their couch, cry on their shoulder, give me rides if I need them, and just generally support me as needed.



However, I am the lone Single Girl with a bunch of Marrieds for friends. Most of the time, that's fine. I see the husbands less often than the wives. I love their kids to pieces. I love being an honorary aunt.

I wrote a post some time last year about their being a purpose for spares. I still believe that. At the same time, being a spare can be deeply painful. This past Monday night was one of those instances for me.

I was at my knitting group. I love my knitting group. They are all very good friends. They are quirky and interesting and passionate. I don't know what I would do without them. No topic is off-limits, and we often get into some conversations that are really not fit for public discussion.

Somehow, somebody started talking about pregnancy symptoms, and an exchange of symptoms ensued. I had nothing to say. I've never been pregnant, and I don't know that I ever will be at this point. With the exception of one other lady at the table, I know that all of the other knit group members have given birth. I looked around and realized that I was the only single one there as well. I had to think about it when I got home, but I'm one of only two single ladies in the group. Everyone else is either married or in a long-term, serious relationship.

I sat there on Monday night and got more and more depressed as the conversation went on. No one was at all mean or in any way making me feel any less for not having children. No one mentioned the fact that I am single. No one really cares. Listening to these ladies talk about all the things missing in my life made it achingly painful. It brought to the forefront the issues I've been dealing with for the past couple of months since the demise of GeekBoy.

I went home, read a bit, talked to one of my few single friends, and felt better. It was another reminder of how out of place I feel, of how my life hasn't gone anywhere near the way I had always hoped and expected. I'm hoping that I can get back to that place soon where I am happy being single and "over" my last relationship. If I had been in that place, maybe I would not have been as affected by Monday night's conversation as I was.

What do I love about myself?

I was on Twitter today as I often am, and came across someone Tweeting at Dove. They've had a campaign called Love your Body since 2006 if my Googling is correct. Dove's twitter stream posed this question last week: Love is on everyone’s mind this week, but we want to know – what do you love about yourself?

I thought it was a particularly pertinent question to ask! If you don't know the positive and excellent things about yourself, how will you be able to play to your strengths? How will you be able to be a strong and self-confident woman(or man)? We are always focusing on the negatives in our society(in my opinion), but never take the time to praise our own good qualities. As a teacher, I was taught that it takes something like 6 compliments to overcome the damage that one piece of criticism does. What does that mean we are doing to ourselves?

So, as a belated Valentine's post, here are the things I love about myself:

1. My smile! I have a smile that is always at the ready--for students, for friends, for loved ones. I am usually in a good mood, and it doesn't take much to make me smile. I'd like to think that it's infectious, but I'd have to consult other authorities on that. It's also an attractive smile! I have nice teeth and I'm not afraid to show them when I smile.

2. My shoulders! A much overlooked part of the body, in my opinion. My shoulders have just the right curve and are a nice creamy white color with freckles!

3. My ability to relate to just about anyone! I get along with all ages, from preschoolers all the way up to grandmas and papaws. I love listening to the little ones learn--it helps me remember being awed by knowledge. I love listening to the stories of my elders. They've lived through some interesting times!

4. My extensive vocabulary! I've never met a word I didn't love. I have a compulsion to read pretty much everything, and you hardly ever find me without a book in hand. I rarely come across new words that I don't know unless I'm playing at FreeRice.com. I rarely get a chance to use much of my vocabulary because I don't want to talk over people's heads. BTW, this applies mainly to the students with learning disabilities that I work with! I'm not trying to be arrogant.

5. My way with words! I am a good writer, a good public speaker, and I can say things in different ways so that my students with disabilities can better understand them.

6. My insistence on excellence! If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. I tackle projects with enthusiasm, and I'm not afraid to re-do it if it isn't up to my standards. I love a good challenge!

7. My love of learning! I truly believe that when you quit learning, you start dying. There's not much in the world that gives me more pleasure than learning something new. I want to learn something new every day. Learning keeps me young and enthusiastic. I think there's very little I can't learn to do.

8. My feet! I know, strange thing to love about yourself, but I do love my feet. They are well-proportioned, in my opinion. I don't have hairy toes or anything! They're quite nice feet as feet go, if a little stinky sometimes.

9. My ability to keep loving, no matter how many times my heart gets broken! I've been dumped. I've been left. I've had friends who treated me badly. I've been betrayed. Sadly, these are all parts of life, and all parts of relationships. Despite that, I am able to get back up, dust myself off, and try again. I can love my exes for who they are and what they taught me. I have enough love to go around. There is room in my heart for many friends, for family and adopted family, and hopefully only one more significant other! LOL.

I am sure there are other things that I love about myself, but nothing is springing to mind at the moment. I may have to come back and make a list in my journal of 100 Things I love about myself.

What do you love about yourself? Please, please, please share!!

The Definition of Single

I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday about what single really means. I had mentioned that I posted on Facebook that I didn't want ads for dating sites on my home page because I am enjoying being single. That's not strictly true, but I need to be single right now in order to sort my feelings out again. No dating quite yet.

My guy friend said that he hates it when girls say that. He said that he doesn't know what it means when girls say they're single. Are they looking for a boyfriend, for sex, or not at all? was his question. I told him that when I say I'm single, I'm not looking for anything. I'm the quirky girl, though, and I'm not necessarily like other girls.

I had to go back and think about it again later on that night. He's right. Single doesn't necessarily mean not looking for anything. You really do have to define what it is you're looking for when you say that. Me? Not looking for anything right now. Still recovering from the end of a relationship. That won't last forever, though. Eventually I'll be looking for someone to date. I guess at that time, I'll have to specify that, too.

One day, I won't have to date any more, right?

My Missing Piece

It has now been four weeks since I heard from GeekBoy. I had hoped that I would bounce back quickly. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. I still grieve for the loss of him. Not even the relationship, but simply his place in my life.

Most days are fine, but I think that not a day passes without thoughts of him. I know that he has left his job. Today, I discovered that he had deleted his Facebook account. It strangles me with sadness to know that he felt like he needed to do that. I had stopped checking the obituaries, but I checked them again today. I still fear that he decided to take his own life.

While I have closure about the relationship, I don't have closure about him. I still worry about him and ache for him. He was a victim of the cruelty of other people in his life. I wish that I had something of him, something tangible. It's probably best that I don't.

Today is one of the bad days. I can barely listen to the music that he shared with me. They tear me apart because I can hear his voice singing them. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine him here with me.

I am still waiting for this fierce heartache to pass.

Letting my Geek hang out!

One of the things that I think makes me quirky is how utterly geeky I am. I have had no less than three geek-fest sessions so far this week, and it's only Wednesday! I staunchly refuse to apologize for how geeky I am. Sometimes I even wish I was more of a geek, but only in a minor way. I would like to be a bit more of a gamer girl. I have very little hand-eye coordination, and that makes a bad gamer.

I geek out over quite a few things. I am a Trekkie from birth. I love Star Wars as well, but not with the undying passion that I love Star Trek with. I even visited the Star Trek Experience in Las Vegas with my family last summer. My family jokes that I am a big fan of the Whedon-verse with the exception of Dollhouse. I love Battlestar Galactica, Eureka, Sanctuary, and both Stargate SG-1 & Atlantis. I am really excited about the upcoming Caprica and Stargate Universe series! I would rather starve than give up my SyFy subscription.

I am also a big fan of BBC Television. I would love for Dr. Who to come pick me up and take me traveling in his TARDIS. I am, however, a New Who fan, which some consider not a fan at all. If I could pick a Doctor to travel with, I'd say 10, hands down. I want to work for Torchwood in Cardiff and snog Captain Jack. Ianto would do for snogging as well! I also want to go traveling through anomalies with the team on Primeval. I wouldn't mind at all having Being Human's trio of ghost, werewolf, and vampire as flatmates.

I had a "Where would you live if you lived in Middle Earth?" conversation with my friends in my apartment complex once. (I would live part time in Rivendell and part time as a Rider of Rohan, btw!) I had a bit of a crush on Legolas. I have crocheted a Harry Potter house scarf and bear a Ravenclaw house sticker on my car. I even cried through the last 40 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I read with a passion and breadth that I've never had matched by anyone else I know. My first love is fantasy, though. I love the dragons of Irene Radford, the Dragonlance Chronicles, and George R.R. Martin's Song of Fire and Ice. The magic of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time and Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth entrance me. I want to be Chosen by one of Mercedes Lackey's Companions more than anything because I was horse-crazy as a kid.

The point of all these geeky things is simply this: I am going to Dragon*Con this coming weekend in Atlanta. I am beyond excited about this. One of my friends even made fun of me for singing Dragon*Con every time I said it. This is my first Convention of the sort that I have ever attended. No, I am not dressing up. Yes, I hope to meet Patrick Stewart, Garret Wang, Charlaine Harris, and any other number of people!

Most of all, I am hoping to get hit on by fellow geeks at the Con. I know for a fact that I am not the only female who enjoys such geeky viewing and reading habits. I have a handful of girlfriends who are just as geeky. Luckily, they're in my knitting group and I get to geek out with them on a weekly basis. I do expect that I'll be outnumbered by men at Dragon*Con. Oh, the geeky pick-up lines! I can only imagine.

I intend to tweet and blog from Dragon*Con, so follow me on Twitter (@busweet) if you're not already, and keep checking back for updates!

Doing it by yourself

I went to the state fair yesterday. I love the fair. It's one of the things I missed most when I lived in California. I love fair food(although not the prices!)--who doesn't love a funnel cake? I do love fair rides, although I don't think I have ever ridden any at the state fair. The reason I really go is the exhibits.

I love seeing all the artwork that people submit in competition. Being an amateur photographer, I hit the photography exhibits almost first thing. I also enjoy needlecrafts, so I hit those next. I drool over the quilts and wish that I had room and money to pick up the hobby. My friend that I went with and I agreed that whoever was judging the knitted and crocheted items must not have been a knitter/crocheter him/herself. I loved the needlepoint items. The work is beautiful and imaginative and detailed and varied.

Wandering through the sheep pens made me really nostalgic! I was a member of the 4-H sheep club when I was in middle school. I had a lamb that I showed for two years in a row. I had to take my turn twice a week feeding and watering the whole herd. At the state fair, we sheared the sheep, washed them, groomed them, and showed them in the ring. I wasn't much good, but it was fun. At the end of the show, they sold our lambs. I never really felt much guilt over that, even though I'm vegetarian!

I went with a friend of mine who had never been to the state fair before. I'm glad that she and her son went because it was nice to have someone else drive. I probably wouldn't have gone if I had to go by myself. We stuck together for a little while, then I started feeling a bit dizzy. She and her son went to ride the rides while I spent time inside in the air conditioning inspecting the artwork.

I find it slightly ironic that I enjoyed my time wandering around by myself more than I enjoyed my time with my friend and her son. However, that's probably more because he's only 5 and doesn't have the patience or interest in the same things I do at the state fair. I can't imagine enjoying myself more than I did spending that time alone, wandering through the exhibits. If I could only get over the actual getting out of the house to do things by myself, I would be a very happy single person!

A Purpose for Spares

I had this epiphany today while I was driving from my parents' house back to my apartment. Maybe it's not news to other singles out there, but it was to me. I'm muddling through this single life by myself right now.

I've mentioned several times that I have quite a few married moms who are friends. I used to have something against SAHMs(Stay-at-Home-Moms for those uninitiated). Not personally, but I tended not to have a lot in common with them. It seems that SAHMs are not as boring as they used to be! It's probably me that has changed, not them. I do find that my friends who are moms have plenty of other things to talk about.

I joke that if I ever have kids that I will be the most prepared mom there is! I have heard all about parenting trials, from the dirty diapers to the middle of the night sick kids and discipline problems in between. I enjoy hearing about the kid stuff. I want to talk about things that are of interest to you, and if your kids are one of those things, that's great. Because I like kids, too.

I find that somewhere in there, there is room for me. I believe that every mom needs a mother's helper. A lot of the moms I know have husbands who are at work in order to pay the bills. It's hard to be a mom by yourself and keep up with the household, etc. Then there's date night. One mom I know has parents who care for her kids in the evenings in the time between when she leaves for work and her husband gets off work. There are times when there is no one else to care for the kids.

That's where I come in. I'm an unofficial aunt for my friends with kids. I've done quite a bit of babysitting for my friends. I don't mind it. It's like having kids, but I get to give them back when it's over! It certainly satisfies any maternal instincts I might have!

However, there is an opportunity to be taken advantage of in all this. I haven't had it happen to me yet. I hope that my friends would realize that they were taking advantage before it ever happened. I hope that I would turn them down before it got to the point that I felt taken advantage of!

I don't know if other women feel the same way, but I am certainly happy to be an honorary aunt.

I like being single, but...

I really, really do like being single. No, I'm really not trying to convince myself of that fact. I am truly, deeply, sincerely happy being single. I like spending time with myself. I'm a pretty interesting person. I have lots of things that I enjoy doing by myself. Knitting, for one. Writing, for another. I could probably list quite a few things. I have made a list of things that I like about being single, in fact! You can find it here.

BUT I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT MEN.

I know, I know. If I stop looking at men, I'd be a lesbian. Or possibly dead. I am allowed to find men attractive. I am allowed to wonder if they are single. Nothing wrong with either of those things at all. It would just make my life a lot easier if I didn't.

It would be easier if I didn't have to wipe the thought out every time it popped into my head. It would be easier if I didn't check for a wedding ring. It would be easier if I didn't worry about how I was dressed or how my hair looked every time I saw a guy I think cute. It's something I have to get out of the way.

On top of that, I know that looks are a very, very minor thing for me in the scheme of things. I've known some super sweet guys who were not lookers. I've known some hot guys who were total douchebags. They come in all shapes, sizes and combinations of personality and looks. The single most important quality for me in a man is someone that I continue to want to have conversations with for the rest of my life. This is not something I'm going to find just by looking at someone. That's the biggest reason that looking at men annoys me so much. I can't see what I'm looking for. It takes a lot longer to find.

Most of the time in Kentucky I don't get the chance to get to know anyone well enough to know if I want to date him or not. For one thing, most of the guys anywhere near my age are already married. For another, I think we've sunk into our internet usage(or video games, or TV, or whatever!) that we've unlearned how to meet people in public.

The biggest factor, though is this crazy phenomenon. Men in Kentucky seem to think that whenever you want to hang out with them, it means that you're crazy in love with them. Seriously, guys? That's kind of arrogant. Is there no way on God's green earth that I could just want to be friends with you? I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not that irresistable!

Possibly, this is because Kentucky women are too cowardly to come out and tell a man that they like him. I'll grant that. I've been known to act like that in the past. However, I am now a mature adult. Unless you say to me that you would like to date me or make a move on me, I am going to assume that you don't have those feelings about me. Even if I might find you attractive or want to date you, I won't say a thing. I won't stalk you, won't try to kiss you, won't try to change your mind. You know that book He's Just Not That Into You? Started reading it, but quit because I realized I already subscribed to the philosophy within. If you're not interest of your own volition, I'm not either. As I mentioned before, I'm quite happy being single. I just like having friends, and I daresay there are some women out there who share my philosophy.

Now we have that out of the way, can we please just get to know each other?

Where do you get emotional support?

As a single woman, I've found that emotional support is hard to come by. I think it's probably an issue that most people struggle with, but even more so as a single person. When you're married, you have a spouse, a partner, someone who is always around. Emotional support may or may not be there, of course, depending on the strength of the relationship. That person is always there, regardless, to talk about and to share their problems.

Being single, I feel reluctant to turn to my partnered friends for emotional support. They are too busy, too worried about their own problems and that of their family unit, whatever the size. I find myself turning to my parents for emotional support, especially my mother. I don't know what I would do without her. I call her up sobbing about once a week these days because I'm having trouble(to say the least) with my job hunt.

I've needed a lot of emotional support over the past few weeks. I feel like my job search is hopeless. I am constantly passed over for who knows what candidates. I feel very helpless, and that is not a situation where anyone feels good. So, I call my mother sobbing. She can't do anything for me. I know this. She listens anyway and convinces me that all is not hopeless, though. I wonder if I am ripping my mother's heart out each time I call. I try not to do it very often, but I do get to that point more frequently than I can cope with. I have a finite amount of money, and I don't want to be a financial burden to my parents as well as an emotional burden. I've been paying my way for 6 years, and it feels like I am going backwards in terms of development.

At the same time, I've begun wondering what I'm going to do when my parents aren't around anymore because I expect to still be single at that point. I don't expect to be able to look to my brothers for support in any way. I'm the responsible one, the one who manages her money.

Single ladies who might be reading: Who do you look to for your emotional support? I'd especially like to hear from women whose parents aren't around any longer. I want to know what to do when mine aren't around any more.

I love being single!

Being bombarded with the message from every direction that I should be in a relationship, I have to stop and think about what I like about being single. So, here's my list:

I always get the remote control! I get to watch anything I want to, with nobody to fight with over which program is going to be on. Plus, I get to mute the commercials! No wrestling on my TV.

I get to spend all of my money on myself. Yeah, this is kind of a selfish thing. I'm not saying that I do spend all my money on myself at all. I love to buy gifts for my friends and family, something to make them smile.

I can travel whenever I want. I don't have to persuade someone to go somewhere with me or debate over where it is that we will go. I'm not saying that always happens--it's just been my experience!

I get the whole bed to myself! No snoring to wake me up. No one hogging the covers! No one rolling over in the middle of the night and whacking me with a knee or an elbow.

I don't have to clean up after anyone else. The mess I make is mine to clean up. Plus, I don't have to suit someone else with how clean my apartment is.

I can decorate however I want. None of those wagon wheel tables like the one in When Harry Met Sally! No "action figures" hanging on the wall, perched on shelves, or in nooks and crannies of the house.

A clean bathroom! I never have to worry about whether or not the toilet seat is up or down! No one misses the toilet seat while they're using it.

My time is mine. I can choose to stay in bed and read all day if I want. I don't have to persuade someone to go out(again, experience!) or debate where to go if we do go out. I can go ice skating or swimming or hiking without having to share the decision with someone else.

I can go to any movie I want. This actually isn't such a big deal for me. I love action, comedy, and sci-fi movies! I actually try to avoid going to the chick flicks any more.

I always get to pick where to eat. If I want to go out to eat, I go where I'm in the mood for. I don't have to nix places I don't like to eat. If I stay in, I make whatever I want, too!

Those are the ones that spring to mind right now. I will probably add to it as I think of more. I'd love to hear what other ladies think are the best things about being single, too.

Pioneer Single Girls

One of the things that bothers me most about being single is that there is no one to look to for advice. There's no one to sympathize when you're feeling lonely, no one to encourage you, no one to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you when you start doubting yourself. There's no one to ask about whether you'll regret not having children when you're older, no one to ask about finances for the single woman. I have plenty of married friends, and I am sure they understand my situation. They just don't have the experience or practical advice I'm looking for.

I have always had a tendency to admire those older single women that I've met. Even when I was younger, it wasn't the moms that I wanted to hang out with. It was the ladies who had the courage, the endurance, the ability to be single. Looking back, it makes me wonder if being single is always what has been in the cards for me. That thought makes me smile--that being single has always been something I admired. It makes being single now a little more solid, a little easier to deal with.

It's almost like dating trying to find other single women! Where do you find them? I'm sure they don't advertise the fact that they're single. It's still a social stigma to be a single adult woman over the age of 30 in my experience. The term Old Maid springs to mind, even though it isn't used very often any more. The implication is that there's something wrong with us, that we're someone to be pitied.

If someone knows, please tell me where the other single ladies are. Where are you hiding, ladies? Drop me a line so we can talk! I want to bend your ear, get some advice, ask how to cope with different things. Let's build a community of like-minded ladies.

I'm Single, So What?

I'm 30 and still perpetually single. So what? Who cares? Obviously, I do! You should, too. Yes, you. Don't turn around and look behind you! More and more often, my story is becoming the story of others. The shape of relationships is changing, and the age at which people are getting married is getting older. I'm not the old maid or the odd woman out any more--I am the norm.

However, society still tells us single girls that we're doing something wrong, that we're meant to be in a relationship. Everywhere you turn, the world is built in pairs and groups. Where does the single person fit in?

That's where I come in. Not that I consider myself an expert on being single. Well, maybe I am! I've been single much more in my life than I've been in relationships. I realize the lack of people speaking on being single. I miss the advice that comes from other people in the same situation. If my story can help someone or someone can help me, that's the whole point. If we can get a laugh along the way, even better!

Come along on my journey with me.