Date Rape and the novel Speak

Around the internet, there's been a lot of mention of the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I haven't read the book, and all I can say is what I've heard from others. The book is about date rape. It's quickly becoming one of the most frequently banned books. I made a mental note of it and decided to pick it up if I ever saw it somewhere.

Today I realized how close to home the subjects hits for me. I have never been the victim of date rape, but two of my friends were. One in high school, and another in college. My friend in high school was the pastor's daughter, and her boyfriend one of the guys in my youth group. All of a sudden, the other youth group kids were avoiding him and clustering around her. There were rumors flying. I wasn't sure who to believe, and I really didn't want to take sides. I kept hanging out with the guy until my parents asked me not to. In the end, she moved away to stay with relatives and he was left to wonder what happened and why people were nervous around him. I am still not sure what I believe, and how I feel about it 15 years later. Was it buyer's remorse? Was it miscommunication? I don't see how difficult no is to understand.

In college, my friend was dating this guy. They used to lie around in her bed, take naps together, and I believe they had even had sex previously. I lived in a Christian dorm, and that kind of behavior was unapproved, so to speak. I think that she had decided they should stop having sex and he forced the issue. She told me and a couple of other friends about it, but didn't report it to the head resident or anyone else. I didn't take it lightly, but I didn't do anything about it or think much more about it. My friend didn't really seem like she was very affected by the rape.

In the case of both of my friends, the support fell on the side of the girls, unlike the main character in Speak. One of the girls felt comfortable enough with the adults in her life to talk about what happened. One of the girls, not so much.

The aspect of date rape that is so insidious is the doubt. This girl is dating this guy, so on some level, she must want to sleep with him. It doesn't matter if she's not ready. It doesn't matter if she says no. She wants to sleep with him anyway. It has been said many, many times but in my opinion can't be said enough: No means no.

I don't think that I can even express how important it is to speak up, to speak out. Tell someone. Tell the story of your own date rape. Tell the story of your friend's, your sister's, your neighbor's date rape. Tell girls. Tell the boys. Each time, it increases the comfort level about the subject. Each time may save another girl from being a victim. You can also increase awareness of date rape by calling both your public library and your local high school library to request that they carry the book Speak.

I Make My Own Drama

That's been my motto recently. I don't need to hang out with anyone who already has it, because I supply quite enough of my own, thank you very much. That's not to say that you'll end up with drama if you hang out with me. Not at all!

I am not good at being friends with guys. I like having guy friends, but something always happens. Sometimes it's because I feel attracted to a friend. That's really quite rare, actually. More often it's because either I realize that a guy I know has a thing for me or I'm not sure what my guy friend wants from me.

The I'm not quite sure thing happened to me recently. I've been hanging out with and talking to a guy friend since February-ish. Someone I've known since high school and hadn't really talked to since then. We'll call him HS Guy. He's a super nice guy. He pays for me when we go out to eat or to the movies. We both enjoy science fiction and are moderately geeky.

I am usually somewhat a perceptive person where body language is concerned. Not with HS Guy. He doesn't touch me overmuch for the most part. He asked for a hug after one of the movies we went to together. And he put his hand on my knee while I was at his place one weekend. He never said anything about dating, but me with my drama. I have to know where I stand. Not just knowing how I feel about a particular guy, but how he feels about me.

Some guys will come out and tell you they're interested. Some guys will tell you that they're interested in a Friends with Benefits relationship. Some will hint so strongly that you know they're interested. And some...some just keep their mouths shut. Those are the ones that make me nervous. Those are the ones that I push the issue with, subtly.

In the end, it turns out that he's content just the way I am in the relationship. Friends until one of us decides for sure that they're interested in making it into something else. I had to make it so much more difficult than it really had to be an stir up drama. I'm quite relieved to have it out in the open and taken care of, though!

Doing it by yourself

I went to the state fair yesterday. I love the fair. It's one of the things I missed most when I lived in California. I love fair food(although not the prices!)--who doesn't love a funnel cake? I do love fair rides, although I don't think I have ever ridden any at the state fair. The reason I really go is the exhibits.

I love seeing all the artwork that people submit in competition. Being an amateur photographer, I hit the photography exhibits almost first thing. I also enjoy needlecrafts, so I hit those next. I drool over the quilts and wish that I had room and money to pick up the hobby. My friend that I went with and I agreed that whoever was judging the knitted and crocheted items must not have been a knitter/crocheter him/herself. I loved the needlepoint items. The work is beautiful and imaginative and detailed and varied.

Wandering through the sheep pens made me really nostalgic! I was a member of the 4-H sheep club when I was in middle school. I had a lamb that I showed for two years in a row. I had to take my turn twice a week feeding and watering the whole herd. At the state fair, we sheared the sheep, washed them, groomed them, and showed them in the ring. I wasn't much good, but it was fun. At the end of the show, they sold our lambs. I never really felt much guilt over that, even though I'm vegetarian!

I went with a friend of mine who had never been to the state fair before. I'm glad that she and her son went because it was nice to have someone else drive. I probably wouldn't have gone if I had to go by myself. We stuck together for a little while, then I started feeling a bit dizzy. She and her son went to ride the rides while I spent time inside in the air conditioning inspecting the artwork.

I find it slightly ironic that I enjoyed my time wandering around by myself more than I enjoyed my time with my friend and her son. However, that's probably more because he's only 5 and doesn't have the patience or interest in the same things I do at the state fair. I can't imagine enjoying myself more than I did spending that time alone, wandering through the exhibits. If I could only get over the actual getting out of the house to do things by myself, I would be a very happy single person!

Where do you get emotional support?

As a single woman, I've found that emotional support is hard to come by. I think it's probably an issue that most people struggle with, but even more so as a single person. When you're married, you have a spouse, a partner, someone who is always around. Emotional support may or may not be there, of course, depending on the strength of the relationship. That person is always there, regardless, to talk about and to share their problems.

Being single, I feel reluctant to turn to my partnered friends for emotional support. They are too busy, too worried about their own problems and that of their family unit, whatever the size. I find myself turning to my parents for emotional support, especially my mother. I don't know what I would do without her. I call her up sobbing about once a week these days because I'm having trouble(to say the least) with my job hunt.

I've needed a lot of emotional support over the past few weeks. I feel like my job search is hopeless. I am constantly passed over for who knows what candidates. I feel very helpless, and that is not a situation where anyone feels good. So, I call my mother sobbing. She can't do anything for me. I know this. She listens anyway and convinces me that all is not hopeless, though. I wonder if I am ripping my mother's heart out each time I call. I try not to do it very often, but I do get to that point more frequently than I can cope with. I have a finite amount of money, and I don't want to be a financial burden to my parents as well as an emotional burden. I've been paying my way for 6 years, and it feels like I am going backwards in terms of development.

At the same time, I've begun wondering what I'm going to do when my parents aren't around anymore because I expect to still be single at that point. I don't expect to be able to look to my brothers for support in any way. I'm the responsible one, the one who manages her money.

Single ladies who might be reading: Who do you look to for your emotional support? I'd especially like to hear from women whose parents aren't around any longer. I want to know what to do when mine aren't around any more.