No More GeekBoy

For those of you who know me personally, this will come as no surprise. GeekBoy is still GeekBoy, but he is my GeekBoy no more. There is some element of surprise to it, but not it did not come as a total shock. I had not seen him since the beginning of December, and hadn't spoken to him or had any communication from him in two weeks.

Of course, that's not to say that it hasn't been a massive emotional blow to me. I've had very little to eat this week, and sleeping has been difficult. I know that none of it was my fault and that there was nothing I could do to change what happened. I don't even feel like I've been dumped, but rather that we've split up.

I miss him mightily, and perhaps I always will. I wish him love and happiness. I would have liked to be the person he found that with, but I have no control over that.

I was watching Bones last night and one of the characters said something that hit home for me. He said that he was suffering from grief and that the only cure for grief is time. That rings very true for me. The first half of the week was very difficult for me. The second half has gotten easier. It's a relief. I still struggle to find any interest in eating. Food tastes like ashes and my stomach rebels at the thought of eating. Sleep has been difficult as well. My mind is so obsessed with thoughts of GeekBoy that I have to exhaust myself before I can go to sleep. Watching TV doesn't use enough brain power, so nearly the only thing I've been able to do is read.

My knitting group has been a godsend. I don't know what I would do without them. They offered to break his kneecaps for me. They were righteously indignant on my behalf. They let me know that I am well-loved, well cared for, and have an amazing support system. I don't know what I have done to merit such support and love, but I count myself truly blessed.

In the meantime, I move on. I work. I read. I inch toward happiness again. I work on finding my single heart, my pleasure in my own company. I grieve. I wait for time to pass, for the heartsickness to fade. I am strong, and I will make it through this.

Helpless

I suffer from depression and anxiety. It's one of those things that I think makes me quirky. It's deeply entwined with my personal identity, and is probably one of the first things I tell people about myself. I would rather have it out in the open. I would rather people know so that I don't have to explain every time I get taxed by social interaction or withdraw for a time.

Mental illness is a thorny issue. There's the argument about whether it's genetic or it's environmental. There's the argument about whether you can deal with depression on your own or whether you need medication.

First, I ascribe to genetics. There is a serious history in my family of bi-polar disease, depression, and anxiety. I'll be the first to admit that my life really isn't all that bad. I've had some pretty depressing things happen in the past couple of years, but mostly I have had enough money, a place to live, food to eat, friends that love me, transportation, and family whose love for me I have never and will never doubt. In the last couple of years, on top of the deaths in my family, I've had to deal with unemployment, the stress of job hunting, and financial difficulties that resulted from that. I think most people would have a hard time dealing with the slew of stressful events in my life.

Second, I take medication. I love my medication. I am more than a little terrified that I would not be able to cope if I didn't take it. It's a huge frustration to me that I can't seem to deal with the things that most people can deal with without falling apart. It is infinitely easier to slowly fall to pieces than it is to ask for help or emotional support.

That said, GeekBoy's going through something right now. I totally believe it's depression. I think that for him, it's probably circumstantial. He's had two close family members die in the time that we've been dating. He's had financial worries(who doesn't these days?), and a stressful job. He's also fiercely independent. I'm quite sure that he wouldn't appreciate me sharing his stuff with the internet, but I'm going to do it anyway because this is a blog about how I feel about my relationship.

I haven't really spoken to him since before Christmas. It worries me. He told me why, and told me that he wasn't going to be contacting me. I was prepared for it. It hasn't made it any easier. Of all the things that could happen, I understand this one the most. I know that he needs time to himself. I know that I can't do anything to make him happy. I don't know how this will affect our relationship. I don't know if it is bad enough for him that he would consider suicide. I don't know how long it will take for him to come out of it.

It's agonizing, the waiting. I think about him constantly. I worry about him. I am deeply upset by the thought of him going through this by himself when I want so badly to help him, to hug him, to give him any physical, emotional, financial support that I can. I feel helpless.

Hopefully it won't last much longer.

Cougar Town

Have I mentioned that my boyfriend is about 10 years younger than me? At first, it weirded me out. It's a significant age difference, and could potentially cause a lot of problems in a relationship. Plus, if I had gone into teaching right after I graduated college, I could have potentially been his teacher in middle school. Makes me think sometimes.

I quickly got over the age difference, and now it just amuses me. I don't think that anyone seeing us out together would guess that there is such an age difference. My boy's been able to grow a full beard since he was 14, so he looks older than he is. Plus(not that I would ever mention this to him), he has a little bit of a receding hairline. On the other hand, I get mistaken for being 4-5 years younger than I actually am. When I moved out to Los Angeles at 22, I got asked more than once if I had recently graduated from high school. I generally don't mind that, because I look old enough to be taken seriously, but still young enough to be young.

When my parents found out how young he was, I got called a cougar. Talk about embarrassing. My cousin and I had a serious debate about this topic and I maintain that there is not enough of an age gap or enough intention on my part to be called a cougar. A cougar should be 20 years or more older than her significant other, and have a pencheant for dating younger men. I am neither.

There are some things that have cropped up due to our age difference. Not issues, per se, but things that have made me think.

GeekBoy likes to drink. I have absolutely no problem with this. I've done my share of drinking. I honestly miss my Boozer Boys from the apartment building where I lived in California. We used to sit in the pool and drink. GeekBoy still likes to drink until he's stupid. It mostly gives me the impulse to join in. I am wound quite a bit more tightly than I should be most of the time, and drinking helps unwind me a bit. I do draw the line before I get stupid, generally!

I am ready to settle down. I want to get married, have a house, a yard, the whole nine yards. I am up in the air where kids are concerned. GeekBoy, on the other hand, not so much. He doesn't feel the urgency, doesn't feel like his time is limited for having children. If he decides that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, our time is limited for having children.

Last night, he was talking about something, and I realized how young he is. Not in an age way, but in a way that things are still new, exciting, and inspiring to him. I feel jaded and it takes a lot to excite me. In that moment when he was talking about whatever subject that caught him, I envied him that ability to be excited and to feel the freshness of things that happen in his life still. At the same time, I find inspiration in that! If I can regain my own enthusiasm and inspiration through being with him, how amazing!

I thought I knew about relationships and what to expect. I thought I knew how to behave in a relationship. On a regular basis, GeekBoy challenges those expectations and teaches me something new. I thought I would be the teacher in the relationship, but I have learned so much from him in only 3 months. I look forward to all the things he has to teach me in the future.

Do opposites attract?

Oddly enough (or maybe not. I am a writer after all, and it doesn't take much to inspire me.), I found myself inspired by the journal prompt in the Language Arts class I was working with this morning. The prompt asked the students if opposites attract and what the students' future spouses would be like if opposites did attract(or vice versa). I used to think that opposites did attract. A couple of disastrous attempts at dating guys that were different than me taught me otherwise. There was the engineer who I had nothing to talk to about. There was a guy who wasn't as smart as I am. Call me a snob, but that's a struggle for me. I don't want to have to explain myself all the time.

The prompt made me start thinking about GeekBoy and the ways that we are similar and different. I think we are both caring people. I work with kids, and he works with animals. I find that I want to take care of him by feeding him, making sure he has clean clothes, and things like that. He does the same thing, but he wants to support me monetarily. We have different ways of showing the same impulse.

We are both somewhat bohemian. He knows who he is and is content with that. I know who I am, and am mostly content with that. There are definitely things that I would like to change about myself. He's mentioned some things that he would like to change about himself as well. Relatively minor things on both our parts, I think. We're both vegetarian, which is something that makes me really happy.

Of course, we are both wildly geeky. I went to Dragon*Con with my parents! And GeekBoy was jealous of me getting to go. I would have been jealous of him, had our situations been reversed. We both enjoy sci-fi and fantasy type things. His tastes tend toward being a bit darker than mine. He plays World of Warcraft and plays role playing games similar to Dungeons & Dragons, and I would probably play both. My geek tends toward reading and TV shows more than games. I am always happy to listen to him talk about his games, and he listens to me talk about my TV shows and books. We share watching The Venture Brothers, probably one of the geekiest cartoons ever made. One of the side effects of geekiness is that we're both kind of socially awkward. He uses manners to mitigate the effect on others. I think I use humor. I am always willing and ready to laugh at myself.

At the same time, we have characteristics that are vastly different. His life has been quite a bit more difficult than mine. He's got a lot of determination that I don't have because things have been easy for me. I know that I have a lot to learn from him in that area. I just wonder sometimes what he has to learn from me. I'm not saying that I don't have good qualities. I just wonder which of my characteristics he might choose to learn from me.

Hickies

I may be sorry for posting about this, but it's really been amusing me lately. Dating someone new, sometimes things get...heated. And to prevent scary mental images, I'll just say that hickies ensue. Yeah, big raspberry marks on your neck. So everyone knows what you've been doing. I'm a pretty private person, and I'd really rather that people NOT know what I've been doing. It's nobody's business but mine and my significant other's. Unfortunately, I have very pale skin that is easily bruised.

Having hickies of my own has resulted in noticing hickies on other people, however. I am so hyper-sensitive about people noticing my hickies that I am watching what other people's necks look like. It's like having a specific car makes you notice other people's cars of the same make and model. There was a secretary at one of the schools I subbed at last week who had a very noticeable hickie on her neck. Then, hanging out with a couple of friends yesterday, one had a light hickie on her neck. I find it absolutely hilarious.

I consider myself a pretty forward-thinking, modern woman. I should be terribly embarrassed by the fact that I have hickies at all. My guilty secret is that I like them. They are kind of a hands-off signal to other guys. Not that I have them knocking down my door or anything, but just in case. They are also evidence to the world that someone likes me and feels passionately about me. On the one hand, I feel rather guilty and embarrassed by having them because they are unprofessional and kind of a bad example for students. On the other hand, I quite like that someone thinks I'm hot and leaves evidence of it, even though he claims he tries not to.

Maybe I'll just stock up on concealer and it will be my secret.

Meet the Parents

Apparently, my family is intimidating. I can honestly say that I can't think of anyone who has ever reacted that way about my family before. I love to tell stories about my family. I think they are absolutely the most awesome relatives a girl could have. I have always known that I was well-loved, that I was valued, that I was important to quite a few people. Usually, people tell me that they would love to meet my family.

Not Geek Boy. He is seriously intimidated at the thought of meeting my family. Part of this is probably my fault. I don't really censor my stories when I tell him about them, whereas I do somewhat depending on who I'm talking to in other cases. When I talk to Geek Boy, I'm usually telling him about someone being ridiculous or something outrageous that someone has said.

I am absolutely convinced that he will like my family and that they will like him in return. I told him that they're like me, and his response was that while he can handle me, several of me might be beyond his limits! In addition, he's very concerned about impressing them. I think it's unbearably sweet that he's so worried about it.

One thing that I am worried about is the difference between our family dynamics. I adore my family. I love spending time with them, going on trips with them, talking to them, doing things for them. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my family.

His family, on the other hand, are stoic Germans. His description. He said that his mom doesn't display much emotion. I don't think that he is like her in that way. I haven't really thought much about meeting his family. He hasn't expressed a big desire for me to meet them yet. I think it's more because of the family dynamic than it is because of me! While I was writing this, it occurred to me that I'm most likely going to have to tone it down for any time that I spend with his family. I'm generally not as outrageous at first as I get down the road, though!

While I do want him to meet my family and for them to like each other, I'm not all that eager to hurry it along. I like being with Geek Boy and I like it being something that is mine, that my family is not necessarily a part of. I want to keep it to myself and hoard all the precious moments. Eventually, we'll have to open our circle and let other people in. But not yet.

The Single Girl's Dating

Now that I'm no longer the single girl, I've changed the url for my blog. Now, it's http://quirkydatinggirl.blogspot.com. Please change your bookmarks to follow me!

Instead of blogging about how happy I am to be single, I'll be blogging about how happy I am to be dating. Not really. I wasn't particularly happy to hear about other people's wonderful relationships when I was single, and I feel absolutely no need to make anyone else feel that way. In fact, I'd totally like to avoid it.

I've been single much, much more of my life than I've been in a relationship. It's been long enough since my last relationship that I have to figure out what I'm doing all over again! There are pitfalls as a dater that I've made in the past and seriously want to avoid this time around.

First up on the list is not losing my sense of identity simply because I'm dating someone. I have a tendency to change for the person I'm dating. I know that yes, there is a certain amount of compromise inherent in a relationship. You will change each other in various ways. At the same time, it's important not to give up your friends, your time to yourself, your interests, simply because they are not things that your partner shares.

I'd like to think that I'm on the right track so far in this relationship. I want to share my interests with him (henceforth known as GeekBoy), and he wants to share his interests with me. We have long conversations about anything and everything, and we are finding the common ground between us. We've discovered a shared love for The Venture Brothers (his interest originally) and text each other quotes from the show. GeekBoy wants to learn to knit(my interest!), and I can't wait to teach him. We are also both vegetarian, and I cooked for him for the first time last night. He was apprehensive because he'd never had what I fixed before--tofu--but tried it and liked it!

It really is a joy just to find things that we both enjoy.