Being the Spare Wheel

I love my friends. I adore them. They are awesome in so many ways. They are there for me any time I need them. They let me sleep on their couch, cry on their shoulder, give me rides if I need them, and just generally support me as needed.



However, I am the lone Single Girl with a bunch of Marrieds for friends. Most of the time, that's fine. I see the husbands less often than the wives. I love their kids to pieces. I love being an honorary aunt.

I wrote a post some time last year about their being a purpose for spares. I still believe that. At the same time, being a spare can be deeply painful. This past Monday night was one of those instances for me.

I was at my knitting group. I love my knitting group. They are all very good friends. They are quirky and interesting and passionate. I don't know what I would do without them. No topic is off-limits, and we often get into some conversations that are really not fit for public discussion.

Somehow, somebody started talking about pregnancy symptoms, and an exchange of symptoms ensued. I had nothing to say. I've never been pregnant, and I don't know that I ever will be at this point. With the exception of one other lady at the table, I know that all of the other knit group members have given birth. I looked around and realized that I was the only single one there as well. I had to think about it when I got home, but I'm one of only two single ladies in the group. Everyone else is either married or in a long-term, serious relationship.

I sat there on Monday night and got more and more depressed as the conversation went on. No one was at all mean or in any way making me feel any less for not having children. No one mentioned the fact that I am single. No one really cares. Listening to these ladies talk about all the things missing in my life made it achingly painful. It brought to the forefront the issues I've been dealing with for the past couple of months since the demise of GeekBoy.

I went home, read a bit, talked to one of my few single friends, and felt better. It was another reminder of how out of place I feel, of how my life hasn't gone anywhere near the way I had always hoped and expected. I'm hoping that I can get back to that place soon where I am happy being single and "over" my last relationship. If I had been in that place, maybe I would not have been as affected by Monday night's conversation as I was.

What do I love about myself?

I was on Twitter today as I often am, and came across someone Tweeting at Dove. They've had a campaign called Love your Body since 2006 if my Googling is correct. Dove's twitter stream posed this question last week: Love is on everyone’s mind this week, but we want to know – what do you love about yourself?

I thought it was a particularly pertinent question to ask! If you don't know the positive and excellent things about yourself, how will you be able to play to your strengths? How will you be able to be a strong and self-confident woman(or man)? We are always focusing on the negatives in our society(in my opinion), but never take the time to praise our own good qualities. As a teacher, I was taught that it takes something like 6 compliments to overcome the damage that one piece of criticism does. What does that mean we are doing to ourselves?

So, as a belated Valentine's post, here are the things I love about myself:

1. My smile! I have a smile that is always at the ready--for students, for friends, for loved ones. I am usually in a good mood, and it doesn't take much to make me smile. I'd like to think that it's infectious, but I'd have to consult other authorities on that. It's also an attractive smile! I have nice teeth and I'm not afraid to show them when I smile.

2. My shoulders! A much overlooked part of the body, in my opinion. My shoulders have just the right curve and are a nice creamy white color with freckles!

3. My ability to relate to just about anyone! I get along with all ages, from preschoolers all the way up to grandmas and papaws. I love listening to the little ones learn--it helps me remember being awed by knowledge. I love listening to the stories of my elders. They've lived through some interesting times!

4. My extensive vocabulary! I've never met a word I didn't love. I have a compulsion to read pretty much everything, and you hardly ever find me without a book in hand. I rarely come across new words that I don't know unless I'm playing at FreeRice.com. I rarely get a chance to use much of my vocabulary because I don't want to talk over people's heads. BTW, this applies mainly to the students with learning disabilities that I work with! I'm not trying to be arrogant.

5. My way with words! I am a good writer, a good public speaker, and I can say things in different ways so that my students with disabilities can better understand them.

6. My insistence on excellence! If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. I tackle projects with enthusiasm, and I'm not afraid to re-do it if it isn't up to my standards. I love a good challenge!

7. My love of learning! I truly believe that when you quit learning, you start dying. There's not much in the world that gives me more pleasure than learning something new. I want to learn something new every day. Learning keeps me young and enthusiastic. I think there's very little I can't learn to do.

8. My feet! I know, strange thing to love about yourself, but I do love my feet. They are well-proportioned, in my opinion. I don't have hairy toes or anything! They're quite nice feet as feet go, if a little stinky sometimes.

9. My ability to keep loving, no matter how many times my heart gets broken! I've been dumped. I've been left. I've had friends who treated me badly. I've been betrayed. Sadly, these are all parts of life, and all parts of relationships. Despite that, I am able to get back up, dust myself off, and try again. I can love my exes for who they are and what they taught me. I have enough love to go around. There is room in my heart for many friends, for family and adopted family, and hopefully only one more significant other! LOL.

I am sure there are other things that I love about myself, but nothing is springing to mind at the moment. I may have to come back and make a list in my journal of 100 Things I love about myself.

What do you love about yourself? Please, please, please share!!

The Definition of Single

I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday about what single really means. I had mentioned that I posted on Facebook that I didn't want ads for dating sites on my home page because I am enjoying being single. That's not strictly true, but I need to be single right now in order to sort my feelings out again. No dating quite yet.

My guy friend said that he hates it when girls say that. He said that he doesn't know what it means when girls say they're single. Are they looking for a boyfriend, for sex, or not at all? was his question. I told him that when I say I'm single, I'm not looking for anything. I'm the quirky girl, though, and I'm not necessarily like other girls.

I had to go back and think about it again later on that night. He's right. Single doesn't necessarily mean not looking for anything. You really do have to define what it is you're looking for when you say that. Me? Not looking for anything right now. Still recovering from the end of a relationship. That won't last forever, though. Eventually I'll be looking for someone to date. I guess at that time, I'll have to specify that, too.

One day, I won't have to date any more, right?

First thing we do, let's cancel Valentine's Day

This might be a slightly bitter post. Just warnin' ya.



I vote we boycott Valentine's Day this year. No one is happy on Valentine's.



The singles feel miserable because they're reminded once again that they have no one. They stay at home and eat too much ice cream. They might watch sappy chick flicks and get weepy. If they're empowered and have awesome single girlfriends, they might go out in a group and party it up. Still, in the back of the mind, they will be wondering why they were not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not enough to be in a relationship.



The guys in a couple are miserable because Valentine's Day presumes that they are not good at being someone's significant other. The assumption is that men always forget birthdays, anniversaries, and other important events. There are, of course, men who certainly fit right into that category. There are also men who remember all those dates. Then there are men who go above and beyond and send you flowers for no reason.

The women in relationships are miserable because of a few different things. One, their guy forgot Valentine's Day was coming up and got her flowers or chocolate from the gas station on the way home from work. Two, their guy remembered and got a thoughtful gift, but she has to cook dinner for him. There's that girl who was hoping for and anticipating a ring for Valentine's Day and didn't get it. And the absolute loser is the girl whose guy didn't care enough to get a gift or make arrangements for a night out. She's got to stay home, cook dinner while he puts his feet up, and still take care of the kids.

It seems to me that since no one is happy, we might as well quit making everyone miserable. Anyone want to write Congress with me?

My Missing Piece

It has now been four weeks since I heard from GeekBoy. I had hoped that I would bounce back quickly. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. I still grieve for the loss of him. Not even the relationship, but simply his place in my life.

Most days are fine, but I think that not a day passes without thoughts of him. I know that he has left his job. Today, I discovered that he had deleted his Facebook account. It strangles me with sadness to know that he felt like he needed to do that. I had stopped checking the obituaries, but I checked them again today. I still fear that he decided to take his own life.

While I have closure about the relationship, I don't have closure about him. I still worry about him and ache for him. He was a victim of the cruelty of other people in his life. I wish that I had something of him, something tangible. It's probably best that I don't.

Today is one of the bad days. I can barely listen to the music that he shared with me. They tear me apart because I can hear his voice singing them. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine him here with me.

I am still waiting for this fierce heartache to pass.

No More GeekBoy

For those of you who know me personally, this will come as no surprise. GeekBoy is still GeekBoy, but he is my GeekBoy no more. There is some element of surprise to it, but not it did not come as a total shock. I had not seen him since the beginning of December, and hadn't spoken to him or had any communication from him in two weeks.

Of course, that's not to say that it hasn't been a massive emotional blow to me. I've had very little to eat this week, and sleeping has been difficult. I know that none of it was my fault and that there was nothing I could do to change what happened. I don't even feel like I've been dumped, but rather that we've split up.

I miss him mightily, and perhaps I always will. I wish him love and happiness. I would have liked to be the person he found that with, but I have no control over that.

I was watching Bones last night and one of the characters said something that hit home for me. He said that he was suffering from grief and that the only cure for grief is time. That rings very true for me. The first half of the week was very difficult for me. The second half has gotten easier. It's a relief. I still struggle to find any interest in eating. Food tastes like ashes and my stomach rebels at the thought of eating. Sleep has been difficult as well. My mind is so obsessed with thoughts of GeekBoy that I have to exhaust myself before I can go to sleep. Watching TV doesn't use enough brain power, so nearly the only thing I've been able to do is read.

My knitting group has been a godsend. I don't know what I would do without them. They offered to break his kneecaps for me. They were righteously indignant on my behalf. They let me know that I am well-loved, well cared for, and have an amazing support system. I don't know what I have done to merit such support and love, but I count myself truly blessed.

In the meantime, I move on. I work. I read. I inch toward happiness again. I work on finding my single heart, my pleasure in my own company. I grieve. I wait for time to pass, for the heartsickness to fade. I am strong, and I will make it through this.

Helpless

I suffer from depression and anxiety. It's one of those things that I think makes me quirky. It's deeply entwined with my personal identity, and is probably one of the first things I tell people about myself. I would rather have it out in the open. I would rather people know so that I don't have to explain every time I get taxed by social interaction or withdraw for a time.

Mental illness is a thorny issue. There's the argument about whether it's genetic or it's environmental. There's the argument about whether you can deal with depression on your own or whether you need medication.

First, I ascribe to genetics. There is a serious history in my family of bi-polar disease, depression, and anxiety. I'll be the first to admit that my life really isn't all that bad. I've had some pretty depressing things happen in the past couple of years, but mostly I have had enough money, a place to live, food to eat, friends that love me, transportation, and family whose love for me I have never and will never doubt. In the last couple of years, on top of the deaths in my family, I've had to deal with unemployment, the stress of job hunting, and financial difficulties that resulted from that. I think most people would have a hard time dealing with the slew of stressful events in my life.

Second, I take medication. I love my medication. I am more than a little terrified that I would not be able to cope if I didn't take it. It's a huge frustration to me that I can't seem to deal with the things that most people can deal with without falling apart. It is infinitely easier to slowly fall to pieces than it is to ask for help or emotional support.

That said, GeekBoy's going through something right now. I totally believe it's depression. I think that for him, it's probably circumstantial. He's had two close family members die in the time that we've been dating. He's had financial worries(who doesn't these days?), and a stressful job. He's also fiercely independent. I'm quite sure that he wouldn't appreciate me sharing his stuff with the internet, but I'm going to do it anyway because this is a blog about how I feel about my relationship.

I haven't really spoken to him since before Christmas. It worries me. He told me why, and told me that he wasn't going to be contacting me. I was prepared for it. It hasn't made it any easier. Of all the things that could happen, I understand this one the most. I know that he needs time to himself. I know that I can't do anything to make him happy. I don't know how this will affect our relationship. I don't know if it is bad enough for him that he would consider suicide. I don't know how long it will take for him to come out of it.

It's agonizing, the waiting. I think about him constantly. I worry about him. I am deeply upset by the thought of him going through this by himself when I want so badly to help him, to hug him, to give him any physical, emotional, financial support that I can. I feel helpless.

Hopefully it won't last much longer.