Being the Spare Wheel

I love my friends. I adore them. They are awesome in so many ways. They are there for me any time I need them. They let me sleep on their couch, cry on their shoulder, give me rides if I need them, and just generally support me as needed.



However, I am the lone Single Girl with a bunch of Marrieds for friends. Most of the time, that's fine. I see the husbands less often than the wives. I love their kids to pieces. I love being an honorary aunt.

I wrote a post some time last year about their being a purpose for spares. I still believe that. At the same time, being a spare can be deeply painful. This past Monday night was one of those instances for me.

I was at my knitting group. I love my knitting group. They are all very good friends. They are quirky and interesting and passionate. I don't know what I would do without them. No topic is off-limits, and we often get into some conversations that are really not fit for public discussion.

Somehow, somebody started talking about pregnancy symptoms, and an exchange of symptoms ensued. I had nothing to say. I've never been pregnant, and I don't know that I ever will be at this point. With the exception of one other lady at the table, I know that all of the other knit group members have given birth. I looked around and realized that I was the only single one there as well. I had to think about it when I got home, but I'm one of only two single ladies in the group. Everyone else is either married or in a long-term, serious relationship.

I sat there on Monday night and got more and more depressed as the conversation went on. No one was at all mean or in any way making me feel any less for not having children. No one mentioned the fact that I am single. No one really cares. Listening to these ladies talk about all the things missing in my life made it achingly painful. It brought to the forefront the issues I've been dealing with for the past couple of months since the demise of GeekBoy.

I went home, read a bit, talked to one of my few single friends, and felt better. It was another reminder of how out of place I feel, of how my life hasn't gone anywhere near the way I had always hoped and expected. I'm hoping that I can get back to that place soon where I am happy being single and "over" my last relationship. If I had been in that place, maybe I would not have been as affected by Monday night's conversation as I was.